“Nico take it slow, show me that you care”
All I can think about lately is how wonderful the summer will be. Lying in the grass, under the sun. Good music. (like, GOOD music). Late nights. Warmth. Summer clothing. I just crave it.
Kasey thinks she’s so smug. Little does she know what’s happening. People know. Pam asked me today if I was going to be becoming a manager. And I could honestly say yes. It’s going to happen. It excites me and terrifies me all at once. Life is changing. I’m growing. If you would’ve asked me when I was little what I would be doing when I was nineteen… Never would I have imagined that someday soon I will be the person in charge of closing a large chain supermarket. I got to give a tour of the backroom today and yes, it is huge. And it’s mine. I feel proud.
My self-esteem inexplicably takes a huge dive randomly sometimes. Like, I just have days where I feel all my clothing makes me look shitty and that my face needs to go away. I don’t like it. I don’t like that feeling. I felt it for a while because of whom I was with. I have no reason for this anymore. I don’t understand.
I miss photography.
Things I really want to do:
- Go to a dark restaurant (the ones where you dine in the pitch black)
- Go to more concerts.
- Go to Vancouver more often.
- Find my camera and take more pictures. May need to give up and buy a new camera.
- Go to more museums, I love them.
- Experience new things more often.
- Find the courage to speak what I feel.
- Put these ideas I have on canvas.
- Start my tattoo. I crave it, so badly.
- Read more.
- Play more video games.
- And so much more.
“Balloons or no balloons”
Things make me think. A lot. I don’t know why I’m in such a thinking mode right now…. I mean, I obviously always think. It’s just one of those nights. I love The Format. It speaks to me. I love that. When the lyrics of a song just make you think “Wow, you seem to have nailed my life down. How did you manage that one? Well, thank you.” My hair is lengthening. Sufjan Stevens also does that. Oh, yes. It’s delicious.
I remember when I just wrote in my blog and didn’t have to think about the fact people were reading it. I miss that. I need to stop thinking about what people may think about me. This is supposed to relieve the stress of my life because I can be open in a way I cannot be anywhere else. Hmph.
I still live my days in worry that I may be contacted again, or may run into him. It’s terrible. I want to KNOW it’s not going to happen again, but sadly, with him you never know. Sometimes you just have to accept that because you made mistakes in your life you now get to live on edge that another drunk call may occur.
MAN. I love Sufjan Stevens. It’s just. Amazing. That is a concert I would kill to see. Especially at a festival. Mmm.
I am tired right now. But. I don’t feel this is done. There is so much within me, needing to burst out. If only I could get over my fears! I wish people wouldn’t say things to hurt me, whether they intend it to or not. I think they know who they are. It makes me feel terrible and clouds my previously sunny views on you. There. Something 100% honestly put. Relief. Although, there are some things I’m not even sure of in myself. But, I have plenty of time to sort it out. I am only nineteen! Life is still ahead of me!
I need to wake up at nine am. It is now two am. Oh well. I am going to be tired, considering how little sleep I got last night. Maybe that will be good for me. Maybe tomorrow night I will be able to have a regular sleep. I would enjoy that.
I get weird when I’m tired. Weird and less inhibited. About my thoughts I mean. I just say things… Then afterwards wonder why I did. I don’t know. That’s my self-consciousness coming out.
Okay. I must end this for now. Sleep must occur. I don’t want to be too tired. Goodnight. This is too long, I think.
Two years later. - Here it is a letter to you. I wish you could have seen this earlier. at this point you are bitter about all of the shit that went down and you cant trust ...
5 years ago